And so the truth is out: we are not a forward looking, inclusive and progressive society, but a sepia-toned nostalgia bucket fed on dribbled gobbets of rotting world war. A rain coloured nation of ignorant, self-satisfied racists. A grey country at the edge of the world.
Now it is revealed: britain is a country of backward-looking ghouls, obsessed with an historical chimera, possessed by an irrational hatred of foreignness. A nation composed of the dregs of migrations and invasions, populated by the descendents of those driven to the desperate western edge of civilised Europe, a nation which seeks now to retreat ever further into the celtic twilight to make a living on zero-hours contracts from selling dubious financial instruments to ourselves, a combination of theme-park and neo-liberal third world sweatshop. And now, what’s more, it is sure to be ruled by a collection of gargoyles worthy of adorning the exterior of a gothic cathedral, the hideous bald heads of Duncan-Smith, Grayling and Carswell plus the guppy-child lips and cherubic idiocy of Gove, stand behind our home-grown Trump-buffoon Johnson – the prospective rulers of a country which has turned its face against the future. Johnson himself, whose study of Churchill has taught him that successive betrayals are the route to power, has the appearance of a cuddly toy modelled on a koala bear or wombat or possibly a polar bear, but is more closely related to a shit.
As for the previous incumbent of the leadership well, i can scarcely unburden myself of all my feelings about mr cameron in one sentence, but i’ll just say that it was only for his personal electoral advantage that we ever got a referendum about eu membership at all, it was he who conducted a ‘renegotiation’ with the eu which nobody believed had addressed the concerns of the british people and he that led an incompetent campaign which everybody felt was trying to deceive them. I suppose I should take comfort in the vision of our friend dave’s humiliation, but I cannot. I fear worse things than he are coming. it may be that when we are ruled by gove and johnson that i think he seemed better than them, but at the moment he is the king of oily twats.
So now this creaking old nation is set in a sea of uncertainties. We have no leader and no policy, no treaties and no budget, no partners and no plan. The first order of business will be for the tory party to get together and elect our prime minister for us. this is the beginning of a new democratic era, obviously, in which the people take back power from remote elites…. Oh, hang on… still, we will have a new prime minister who will have to be one of the victorious alliance of heroic gargoyles, it being impossible to think of a candidate who could unify the warring parts. It will not be up to us to choose our leader (I typed ‘out leader’ by mistake, but that is actually true – we will need an out leader to lead our rapid expulsion through the emergency exit doors. I expect that we will wake up to find ourselves lying bruised in some dismal back alley where they throw the kitchen slops from brothels. Come to think of it….) but up to a party of toffs and little Englanders, landowners and capitalists, private landlords and right wing magistrates. Next we will have to enter into long and complicated negotiations with largely uninterested foreign governments to arrange tariff barriers against our putative exports….. we seem to have a lot of poles, can we sell them, perhaps?
Dave was a jelly, but he was a jelly full of sharks. Now those sharks will come, some naked, some dressed in clown suits, and they will want the flesh they have been anticipating this long time.