It is good to know finally and at last that the poor are not only responsible for their own misfortune but condemned by the Lord (and the ALMOST EQUALLY RESPECTABLE AND POWERFUL David Dacre) for their sinfulness to the beast-like and demeaning life of unemployment they desire and the miserable hopelessness they so thoroughly deserve just as good Calvinists had always believed. Of course this also explains that a common word used in the language with careless abandon to describe those with less money than the blessed and favoured of Providence – that is to say ‘deprived’ – was in fact a simple misprint or typing error and should in all places and at all times have read ‘depraved’. It is through the good offices of that journal of godliness the Daily Male that I have finally been apprised of these important and salutary facts, ably assisted by the much loved Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and some presumably heroic ex-soldier by the name of Philpott. Now it can finally be proved that all benefit claimants are actually child killers, and I can only hope that a moral crusade will be instituted at once with the chief aim of stringing them up on lamp-posts next to the paedophiles and asylum-seekers who already take advantage of our hospitality up there.
So now and at last we have come to understand that so-called ‘benefits’ can and should be controlled on moral grounds in order to prevent heroic ex-soldiers from setting fire to quantities of their own children on the public’s time and with matches funded by the taxpayer. The eye-wateringly enormous sums of money that the heroic ex-soldier Philpott spent on petrol should be reclaimed through court action and used to assist bankers, accountants and retail moguls find suitable people to stand as directors for their offshore companies and for research into other forms of tax avoidance. The Daily Mal declares the heroic ex-soldier (one of our brave boys) a parable for our times, ignoring conveniently and for good reasons they do not admit the equally apposite and vastly more expensive stories of Fred Goodwin of the Royal Wank of Scotland, Lord Stevenson, the former chairman of HBOS, and its former chief executives Sir James Crosby and Andy Hornby for example. No, lets ignore them in their comfortable and honourable retirement and instead concentrate on this example of our brave boys as he stands as representative and exemplar of the poor and powerless in society. Our new mantra and equation will reveal that poverty = evil and that only the wealthy can truly be regarded as respectable (no matter what they have done – after all they can probably afford good lawyers) and worthy of the protection of the state.
As for the rest of them, string them up and me first.